Dating Advice
The best strategies for the best relationships.
by Laurie Roemmele-Roberts, Ph.D.

TWEENS & TEENS News October 2007

I became involved in the dating game at age 12. I recall my Dad hugging me after one of my earliest “serious” boyfriends called to tell me he decided to date another girl. I cried in my Dad’s arms, and to this day I can still hear his plea to my Mom, “Isn’t she too young for this?”

My Mom and Dad struggled with the dilemma of when it was appropriate to allow me, their tween daughter, to date. My parents felt somewhat powerless against the raging interest among 9th grade boys pursuing their 7th grade daughter.

As a result of feeling powerless, my parents did not see how it may have been helpful to sit down and talk with me about relationships. They did not communicate that dating presents an opportunity to make friends and have fun. Instead, they assumed I knew what it meant to date. My response— becoming too serious about boys too soon. Consequently, I found breakups emotionally daunting, especially when I didn’t have a clue how maximize the time between relationships when I could have been getting to know other boys as friends and possible boyfriends.

Whether you feel you are ready for romance or not, you are likely curious about the dating scene. Today, it is crucial you understand what a nurturing, safe relationship should be like. Some tweens and teens view dating as a game, where winning means having sex. But young people need to be aware of the dangers of treating dating like a game, including the potential for sexual and emotional manipulation.

To build a solid understanding about dating, have frequent open communication with your friends, parents and other significant people in your life. Through honest communication, you develop a trusting relationship with the important individuals in your life— and gain a better sense of self. Seek out answers to your questions, concerns and fears! Knowledge is power, and it will definitely help you confront the opportunities and challenges of dating.

I spoke with a diverse group of 10 to 14 year olds. Our conversations elicited some useful strategies to help you take practical steps toward successful and safe relationships.

TIP 1: Be mysterious.
Amanda, 13, suggested that you “shouldn’t be out there… keep them guessing.” She discouraged girls from flaunting themselves at boys, encouraging boys to find out more about a girl. Amanda and her friends hang out in each other’s basements. Her friends remind each other it’s important “not being all over the guys and not getting too comfortable.”

TIP 2: Don’t assume group dating is safe.
Although parents may prevent you from individual dating, they may agree to let you go out in a group. When you’re on a group date, take a good look around you. Is it a safe, fun place to be? Or are you feeling a bit pressured to do something uncomfortable for you?

A pair can isolate themselves from the group, such as in dark movie theaters, living rooms or even bedrooms. Lydia, age 12, revealed: “A bunch of us were in my friend’s rec room. One of the girls was letting a boy get too romantic in the other room. She thought she should let him do what he wanted. They even were hooking up. I know her Mom would never believe what she was doing.” Madison, age 11, identified with Lydia’s sentiments. “The lights went out at a party,” said Madison. “There was a lot of kissing going on. I just wanted to go home.”

TIP 3: Find the “right” one.
Danielle, 14, listed the best characteristics to look for in early relationships. She says to ask yourself, “Who is easy to talk to? Who likes the same things I do? Who is comfortable to be around? Who is polite and does not have a reputation for being a player? Who respects my boundaries and does not pressure me to do things I am not ready for?” These questions provide the framework for making good choices.

“Finding the right guy is the same to me as finding a good friend,” says LaTonya, 13. “Respect, cooperation, honesty, comfort, caring— those are the same things I look for in my girlfriends.”

Amanda wants someone sweet and genuine; someone not obsessed with his appearance. “Guys— don’t pamper yourself too much,” informs Amanda. “We want you to be naturally you without too much focus on your looks.”

TIP 4: Just enjoy it.
Lydia says that it turns her off when guys just want to be physical. “There are guys that honestly, even at my age, want to just feel the girls up,” says Lydia. “That is a turn off. Right now, I just want to have fun.”

LaTonya agrees. She knows girls who are “out of control trying to be popular, so they are just letting the boys do anything they want.”

Many tweens said that fun activities to do on dates include hiking, bowling, roller blading, eating at restaurants, going to amusement parks and sporting events, playing cards and board games, seeing local attractions, shopping at the mall and attending concerts. Keeping dates “simple and low cost with a no-pressure environment” was important for these girls and boys.

TIP 5: Keep boys in the loop.
Studies show that girls get most of relationship talks, but boys need guidance, too!
Boys: Talk to a trusted father, older brother or friend when you are deciding the best route to take in taking girls out. Monte, a father of three boys, says that “boys need just as much instruction and guidance on companionship, respect, appropriate behaviors, consent and positive attitudes toward girls.” His son, Chris, 17, adds, “I really do want my Dad to know I am making good choices. I respect girls and I really don’t want to hook up with the girls who come on strong. When I decide to get close to a girl, I want it to be for the right reasons, not just because I get attention from my group. I am lucky I have a Dad who is here for me… a lot of dudes are left out in the cold, and make some really messed up decisions.”

TIP 6: Make dating just one aspect of relationships.
I know that romantic relationships can seem like everything, especially when you feel so happy with the person you’re going out with. It is, however, imperative that you don’t put all your eggs in one basket. In other words, the emphasis shouldn’t only be on dating and boy-girl relationships, causing you to forget your friends.

Friendships where you find trust, honesty, common interests and lots of fun are crucial during adolescence. To this day, I have fonder memories of the times I spent with my girlfriends than with the many boys that passed in and out of my life. The friendships we make during adolescence bring much joy and consolation, particularly when we are confronted with setbacks, such as academic pressures, family conflicts and relationship breakups.

It was clear that Danielle benefited from her friendships when she experienced her first breakup. “I was really hurt, but I knew we needed to go our separate ways when he got too clingy. It was my friends who helped me move on, despite how sad I was.”

TIP 7: Be careful!
You will be confronted by many forms of pressure, including alcohol, drugs, sex, cheating and stealing. Look to friends, family members, guidance counselors, teachers and religious leaders to help make good choices.

In my discussions with girls and boys, I was impressed that each of them, at even some tough ages, have already begun to differentiate the kind of person they could be versus the kind of person they are sometimes pressured to be. “We hung out with some girls, and after a while, we knew it was not a good thing,” said Amanda. “They were taking alcohol from the house, getting their older brother or sister to buy them booze, and just being crazy and out of control.” With strong conviction, LaTonya adds: “I know it can be really dangerous out there. I heard about some bad stories of girls meeting creepy guys online and getting into some big trouble. Other girls are letting boys do things they know are so not cool.”

Before you put yourself out there in the dating market, be prepared for this journey, making it enjoyable, safe and inspiring. The boys and girls I sat with to discuss dating showed me that they are strong, independent tweens and teens who feel confident to make the best choices in all of their relationships.

Go out, make good memories, have fun and, just like choosing your favorite kind of ice cream, sample many different relationships. Each relationship you try gets more rewarding when you are equipped with the best strategies for relationship success.

Laurie Roemmele-Roberts, Ph.D., is president of PEQ, Inc. She provides training, educational consulting and life coaching. She resides in northern New Jersey with her husband and two sons. Roemmele-Roberts can be reached at peqinc@aol.com.