Holding On, Letting
Go
Graduation season brings risks and rewards.
by Stephen Wallace, M.S., Ed.
TWEENS
& TEENS News June 2007
High school seniors everywhere will soon embrace
a graduation season marked by pomp and circumstance,
risks and rewards. Staying safe this summer
means balancing freedom with responsibility
and having honest communication with your
parents. For many teens, these aren’t
easy assignments.
Young people venturing toward true independence
yearn for the freedom that parents extend
based on their teens’ ethical decisions
and mature actions. But, something funny often
happens on the way to commencement. At graduation
time, even clear-thinking teens may suddenly
feel burdened by the strictures of law. And
open channels of communication between parents
and their teen children can clog with lies
and issues of trust.
A healthy parent-teen relationship of caregiver
to caretaker, coach to world player, requires
confidence in the decisions young people continue
to make. Unfortunately, a reality gap generally
separates parents’ perceptions from
teens’ actual behaviors. This creates
a “false trust” in many families,
particularly regarding underage drinking and
drug use.
False trust is perpetuated by ignorance and
complacency on the part of parents and, often,
dishonesty on the part of teens and tweens.
Many parents are unaware of the decisions
that teens face on a daily basis and, more
importantly, of the decisions teens make.
Other parents tend to look the other way,
leaving their kids to navigate solo the treacherous,
peer-pressured decisions involving drugs,
alcohol and sex.
Let’s face it: Children of ignorant
or complacent parents lose out. They are forced
to search for maturity and independence without
the parental guidance they need and crave.
To be fair, teens don’t always make
it a cinch for parents to understand the modern
teen lifestyle. A recent Teens Today study
from Students Against Destructive Decisions
(SADD) and Liberty Mutual Group, one of the
nation’s largest auto and home insurers,
reveals that while almost all high school
students say it’s important that their
parents trust them, less than half are completely
honest about where they go and what they do.
Staggeringly high rates of adolescent drinking
and drug use often result, especially during
graduation time.
Another significant problem can result from
the common practice of parents providing alcohol
for teen consumption. While it is widely believed
that “teaching teens to drink responsibly”
to celebrate an important event demystifies
alcohol and leads to more thoughtful, less
destructive behavior, the truth is that teens
who are allowed to drink alcohol at home are
significantly more likely to drink with their
friends. Some statistics:
•Among high school teens, those who
typically avoid alcohol are more than twice
as likely as those who repeatedly use alcohol
to say their parents never let them drink
at home (84 percent versus 40 percent).
•More than half (57 percent) of high
school teens who report their parents allow
them to drink at home— even just on
special occasions— say they drink with
their friends, compared to just 14 percent
of teens who say their parents don’t
let them drink.
Teens don’t need or want their parents
to be bigger versions of their friends. Teens
need their parents to be parents, including
during the waning days of school when opportunities
to stray from well-established norms and rules
abound.
But by bridging the reality gap through communication,
compliance and personal accountability, teens
take an important step toward the rewards
of graduation time: a greater sense of maturity
and independence.
Parental Wisdom during Graduation Season
In an Open Letter to Parents, the White House
Office of National Drug Control Policy and
partners say, “Your teen may be graduating
soon, but that doesn’t mean it’s
time to let go.” These groups, including
SADD, offer this advice to parents:
•Reinforce your expectations. Throughout
your children’s high school years, you’ve
set rules and established consequences for
breaking them. Perhaps you’ve loosened
up on a few rules, like curfew. But be clear
and firm that alcohol and illegal drugs remain
unacceptable. Though being an upperclassman
has privileges, it also has responsibilities.
•Encourage your teens to make each moment
count. They only get one senior year—
hopefully. Let them know you don’t want
them to miss out on things because of bad
choices, such as driving recklessly or attending
unsupervised parties. One bad choice could
change a teen’s life forever.
•Provide safe alternatives. Parties
abound during senior year. Plan chaperoned,
alcohol-free parties come graduation time.
•Don’t allow drinking at home;
it sends the wrong message and may lead to
other bad choices. Teens who drink at home
are significantly more likely to drink with
friends.
Stephen Wallace, MS, Ed., national chairman
and chief executive officer of SADD, has broad
experience as a school psychologist and an
adolescent counselor. For more information
about SADD, call (877)SADD-INC. The SADD/Liberty
Mutual Teens Today research report can be
found at www.sadd.org.
