What Happens When Friends Change?
It doesn’t have to mean the end of a friendship.
by Deborah Reber

TWEENS & TEENS News February 2007

Do you and your best friend talk about all the things you’ll do together when you’re older? Maybe you’ve already figured out where you want to go to college, and you’re planning to share a dorm room and rush a fraternity or sorority together. Or maybe you dream of splitting the rent on a cool apartment in the city after graduation. Maybe you even dream of starting a business together someday.

While staying super-tight with your best friends through middle school, high school and beyond is certainly a possibility, the reality is that your close friendships will likely endure many changes over the next few years. In fact, the very people that you confide in today might not even be part of your inner circle by the time you graduate. It might upset you to think of your relationships changing like this, but it doesn’t have to seem sad. Understanding why these changes happen can help make transitions easier to tolerate.

Everything Changes
Everything in our lives is in a constant state of change— the days of the week, the seasons, even the length of our fingernails and hair. On top of that, our likes, interests, ideas and perceptions of the world change with each passing day. So it’s no surprise that as everyone goes through their own personal transformations, friends sometimes move in different directions.

There are many factors that could lead to changes in a friend. Maybe your BFF has a new boyfriend and suddenly she’d rather spend her time gabbing on her cell phone with Mr. Right than hanging out with you at the mall. Or maybe your friend moved to a new school and in order to fit in at his new environment, he has started doing things he used to think were totally lame. Or maybe it’s just a matter of your friend taking up a new hobby that has enticed her to hang out with a totally different crowd.

When Changes are Negative
Sometimes the changes that we see in our friends can be negative or even harmful, and that’s when things get really tough. Perhaps there’s nothing more challenging in a relationship than having your close friend suddenly start doing things that you both used to be totally against, such as smoking, stealing, drinking or using drugs. When a friend makes choices that you don’t agree with and you’re concerned about the path they’re heading down, you’ve got some tough choices of your own to make.

You may choose to do nothing, and let your friend go his or her own way while you go yours. Sometimes this seems like the natural course for your friendship, and you may feel more comfortable not getting involved.

However, if you’re concerned about your friend’s well-being or safety, then you may choose to talk with him or her about the situation, and possibly have your own “intervention,” which is a supportive way of sharing your concerns. If you choose this route, use the foundation of your friendship as a starting point for a heart-to-heart, and be open and honest about your concerns. Try to avoid putting your friend on the defensive or catching him or her off-guard. Instead, let him or her know that you care, and that you are worried about some of the choices he or she is making. The message you want your friend to hear is that you’re there for support. However, if your friend tries to pressure you to make the same unhealthy choices he or she makes and isn’t open to hearing your message, it may be time to reevaluate the friendship and move on.

Growing Apart
Not all changes in friendships involve negative or harmful behavior. Many times, change is simply the result of you and your friend growing apart as you both become interested in new things. But even though such ebbs and flows in relationships are natural, they can still drum up feelings of disappointment, sadness and betrayal. If you and a friend have lost your close connection as a result of these kinds of changes, and you want to reconnect and become close again, it’s basically never too late to repair the friendship if it’s what you both want. Here are some suggestions for getting your relationship back on track:

1. Don’t make assumptions that the changes in your friend are conscious, or that they mean that your friend doesn’t value your relationship. Consider that your friend may have things going on in his or her life that affect behavior.
2. Let your friend know how you feel about the state of your relationship, as openly and honestly as possible. You might choose to write your thoughts down in a letter, or set aside time with your friend for a heart-to-heart chat. If your friendship is a priority to you, let your friend know that you’re willing to do what it takes to regain your closeness.
3. As hard as it might be, try not to dwell on the past and play the “blame game.” Instead, focus on changes that the two of you can make in the future to repair the relationship in a healthy way.
4. Give your friend all the space he or she needs to explore his or her new interests. Just because you’re both into different sports and activities doesn’t mean you don’t have a lot of other things that you share, including the history of your relationship!

Perhaps the most important thing to remember when it comes to our changing relationships is that change is normal— it’s part of being a human. Don’t believe me? Flip through an old photo album and see how different you look now, and try to remember the things that were important to you when each picture was taken. My guess is that you have grown and evolved in more ways than you could have ever imagined.

Final advice? Embrace and appreciate the changes in ourselves and our friends. If we do this and stay true to ourselves in the process, then we’ll no doubt find ourselves with friendships that can stand the test of time.

Deborah Reber is the co-author of Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul’s The Real Deal: Challenges (HCI Teens). Her next book for teens, In Their Shoes: Extraordinary Women Describe Their Amazing Careers (Simon Pulse) comes out in April 2007. Visit her online at www.deborahreber.com.