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Best Foot Forward
Ways to develop good character in kids.
by Barbara A. Lewis

PARENTGUIDE News April 2006

Eleven-year-old Taylor Meehan accompanied his mother once a month to the Salvation Army soup kitchen in Salt Lake City, Utah to help feed hundreds of homeless people. His mother took him there in hopes that he would learn to be an understanding and caring person. On a particularly frosty night in late January, the snow whirled around the makeshift shelter, sending cold drafts through jagged cracks. When Taylor saw a homeless man wearing worn-out shoes, Taylor took off his own new shoes, along with the stranger’s wet, torn shoes and socks. Then Taylor slowly pulled his own dry socks and new shoes over the cold, stiff feet of the old man.

His mother, observing this act of kindness from the soup line, forced back the tears and then grabbed her son and squeezed him with all her might. It was the kind of act she always longed to see in her child.

So what character traits are the most important for parents to encourage in their children? The list is long, but certainly the short list should include traits such as honesty, trustworthiness, respect for self and others, compassion for others and the world, good relationships with family and friends, responsibility, cooperation and being just and fair with others.

However, our world throws darts at good character on the television, in videos, computer games, CDs, Web sites and advertisements. Kids today are also bombarded with less-than-wonderful examples from sports heroes who throw temper tantrums and superstars who get whacked out on harmful drugs. Parents then, perhaps today more than ever, need to step in to shed some light on contemporary culture and reinforce positive values.

How Can Parents Encourage and Develop Good Character Traits in Their Children?
• Set a good example. And be encouraged, because research shows that parents, and other significant adults, can still exert the strongest influence on their children’s behaviors. Parents should live what they preach. The personification of a negative example is a parent who slaps his child across the face and shouts, “How many times have I told you not to pick on your little brother?”

As an opposite experience, Taylor’s mother probably would not have seen such an act of kindness from her son had she not set the example of service. She even went a step further by encouraging her son to participate with her. Once at the soup kitchen, Taylor’s mother allowed him to make decisions on his own.

• Capture the teaching moments. Suppose you gave your daughter the assignment of tidying up the living room. After finishing, she hugs you and says, “I even made your bed, Mom.” You follow her to the bedroom and see that your bed looks like there’s been a wrestling match on it. Hopefully, you do not scold or remake your bed. Instead, accept the gift unconditionally and say, “That’s wonderful. Thank you so much. That was an extra kind thing to do. Now you’ve done something nice for me, I want to do something nice for you, too.” You could then make your daughter’s bed, demonstrating gratitude and that one kind act deserves another. In the process, you could also model good bed-making skills! She’ll get the message and feel appreciated as well.

• Share positive values with children. Then allow kids to make choices, and see that they stick to the consequences. By allowing your children to make simple choices, they gain confidence in their abilities to make decisions. As your tweens and teens grow older, they can choose foods they like (hopefully, from an originally approved list), which clothes to wear, who to date. They can choose whether to sweep the garage or fold the laundry, whether to help make dinner or pick up a younger sibling from school. The more good choices your children can make, the more apt they will be to agree with one of your “nonnegotiable” rules.

Regardless of all the positive instruction, kids will make some poor character choices, but parents shouldn’t run in and rescue children unless they are in serious danger. For example, suppose your child refuses to pick up his dirty clothes and put them in the hamper. Forget the nagging. It usually doesn’t work. The natural consequence might be that the next time he wishes to hangout with a friend, he will have to stay home because he has no clean clothes to wear. And, “In our family, we wear clean clothes,” a nonnegotiable rule. Stick to your decisions. Giving into whining instills irresponsible behavior.

• Involve your children in environments that encourage good character traits. Establish a larger community of good people who care. This can be accomplished through extended family, faith communities, clubs, positive friendships and neighborhood groups.

• Just say “Oh” and just say “No.” When your child confesses to lying about where she has been, it’s a good opportunity to just listen and say, “Oh,” and “Thank you for your honesty. Now how are you going to correct it?” Then allow your child to discuss what the consequence should be. Punishing a child when she confesses can lead to lies and deception to cover mistakes in the future.
Likewise, when your child is in danger, lay down the “nonnegotiable” law. “No you cannot go to a party at Alex’s house. This is not your choice. His parents are not home.”

Character Choice and Consequence Game
The following ideas may be used as discussion, writing project or a role-play game with your children. Thinking and discussing questionable choices can help your kids be prepared for when the real situation arises.
Ask your kids to think about what might happen as a result of each choice.
• Eating a diet of junk food (candy bars, chips), instead of eating a healthful diet.
• Not sharing games with a brother, or sharing the games.
• Not standing up for a friend who is being bullied, or standing up for a friend.
• Not reporting a friend who is tampering with drugs, or reporting that friend.
• Admitting that you received a bad grade, or lying about it to your parents.
• Ignoring a new person at school who is not liked, or being kind to the new person.
• Skipping a class at school to hangout with friends, or not skipping the class.

Honesty Survey
Another option is to take an honesty survey with your children, or your children could survey their classes at school in order to evaluate honesty in the classroom. If the children can answer “yes” to all the questions in a survey like the one below, then they are very honest.
The following survey allows them to self-evaluate and to think about areas in which they would like to improve. Your children could make their own survey or use questions like this:
1. If you cheated on a test and didn’t get caught, would you tell the truth if your teacher later asked you if you cheated?
2. If you arrived home one night 30 minutes after curfew and your parents weren’t there, would you tell them that you had been late?
3. If you found a wallet in the street with $200 in it, would you try to return it to the owner?
4. If a cashier mistakenly undercharged you for something you bought, would you tell her and pay the correct amount?
5. If you knew that a friend stole $10 from someone else’s locker, would you report him or her?
6. If you promised your teacher that you’d complete a task by a certain date, would you keep your promise?
7. If someone you wanted to impress thought you were rich (and you really weren’t), would you tell that person the truth about yourself?
8. Are you the kind of person inside that your parents and friends think you are?

Award-winning author and educator Barbara A. Lewis has written What Do You Stand For? For Kids, What Do You Stand For? for Teens, The Kid’s Guide to Social Action, Kids with Courage and The Kid’s Guide to Service Projects— all from Free Spirit Publishing (www.freespirit.com). For more suggestions, read these books, which are designed to help kids recognize who they are now and envision who they want to become. The books help develop good traits and include activities for different settings.