Rebellious or Rebellion?
A family reveals what drove a teen daughter
to break all the rules.
by Ken & Jasmyn Klarfeld
TWEENS & TEENS News September
2006
Don’t we all? A daughter’s look
back.
Every teenager rebels at some point. Rebelling
is a way of separating from our parents, a
way of showing ourselves and the world that
we are our own people, separate from our families.
Most tweens and teens validate their identities
in small ways, experimenting with mildly rebellious
behavior such as refusing to cut their hair,
choosing music and clothes their parents hate
or declaring their rooms “off limits”
to anybody in the family. Why is it that some
teens cross the line of rebelliousness into
full-fledged, all-out rebellion?
As a teen who has been there, done that, here’s
what I have learned and what led me to rebel.
Popular opinion would have us believe that
most kids who have rebelled to the point of
delinquency were somehow mismanaged, abused,
neglected or taught that a lawless life was
good. In my experience, however, this has
been far from the truth. I was simply bored.
First I was too bored to do my homework—
why should I practice things that I already
knew? Then I started shoplifting. But that
was easy. Boring. Then I started skipping
school, stealing cars, robbing houses, smoking,
drinking, doing drugs. When my parents repeatedly
grounded me for bad grades, I simply left.
I was a runaway, living on the streets. I
wouldn’t go home or do anything except
what I wanted to do. Nobody could make me
either, because I taught myself not to care
about consequences. I was 14 and in a state
of all-out rebellion.
Most of the kids who I hung out with were
also bored, and considered themselves too
intelligent and independent to be told what
to do. Why conform to a “sheep-like”
way of living? Ironically, ten years later,
most of those kids are stuck in the rut they
worked so hard to avoid during those teenage
years. While the sheep-like kids now have
their own apartments, good jobs and money
to travel with or go to nightclubs, the once
independent kids are stuck at home with their
parents, or home with the babies who ended
their rebellion and tied them down.
You probably expect me to tell you that I
hated being on the streets and that rebellion
is a bad thing I deeply regret. I’m
not going to do that. This is not that kind
of article. The truth is, those years were
a lot of fun. What I am going to tell you
is what I wish someone would have told me.
Teenage rebellion is very expensive fun, and
the account that the expenses ultimately deplete
is freedom.
My teenage fun lasted about three years. My
children will be mine forever, and most of
the money I’ll earn will be their money
until they are 18. As for now, my curfew is
pretty much 8pm, as that’s when kids
have to be in bed. I can rarely go out, because
good babysitters are hard to find. There are
lots of jobs I am intelligent enough to do,
but no one knows it, because I haven’t
proved it with a degree. My advice? Grow your
hair long, play your music loud and look forward
to your future.
The bottom line is teenage rebellion is like
trading a house for a bunch of candy. The
candy may be appealing and good initially,
but it won’t sustain you and it may
threaten your health. Also, once the candy,
or the rebellion, is done with, you’ll
look around and see everybody else, comfy
in their houses.
What Dad saw.
It still amazes me every time I read my daughter’s
words about her teenage years. We still think
of those years quite differently. What she
calls rebellion, I call insanity. It’s
hard as a parent to accept responsibility
for a kid who declares at age 13: “It’s
my life. Leave me alone and let me live it!,”
and then runs away. Especially when there
is another child at home, just a few years
younger who exhibits none of the same behavioral
traits. I am now just starting to understand
the cause of Jasmyn’s actions.
Different kids need to be challenged in unique
ways. My daughter craved more than her parents’
approval to feel challenged. Having well above
average intelligence, she needed to be stimulated
intellectually to achieve a sense of worth.
The school she attended went as fast as the
slowest student. After the first lesson, her
mind longed for something more than repetition.
The plummeting grades, grunge clothes and
mood swings were all signs of an ominous future
that could and should have been altered. How?
Without getting too philosophical, I believe
Jasmyn’s troubled years started because
of a few missed opportunities on my part.
First, there was a lack of real communication
between my daughter and me. I needed to hear
more about her day. Not just, “School
was fine. No homework,” which was Jasmyn’s
standard answer. If I understood the extreme
boredom she endured, I would have helped her
to find an outlet for her frustration. Art,
music, horses, wherever her interests took
us.
Second, my punishments were ridiculous. There
is a famous saying: “The definition
of insanity is doing the same thing over and
over while expecting different results.”
By grounding my daughter for months at a time
and then again when the initial grounding
did not achieve the results I desired, all
I accomplished was strengthening her resolve
not to change.
This perpetual trap we found ourselves in
continued for many years. It was only broken
after my daughter came to me wanting to change
her path. I, like many parents, only wanted
to help. I listened to her goals (not my goals
for her) and her dreams, and then offered
any assistance that she would accept.
Once the communication gates opened, Jasmyn’s
life began to change. The key was and still
is two-way communication. The form is not
important. If dialogue is not possible because
of explosive tempers, then the written word
is a great start. I believe most kids know
what they need to make their lives better.
The trick is communicating those needs to
Mom and Dad.
A plan for success goes a long way. Write
down what you want and what you are willing
to do to get it. Be realistic. It’s
amazing how far baby steps can take you.
Ken and Jasmyn Klarfeld have recently
published their first book, He Said, She Said:
A Father Daughter Perspective (iUniverse).
Visit www.buyhesaidshesaid.com for an excerpt
as well as media and reader reviews. He Said,
She Said: A Father Daughter Perspective can
be purchased through the Web site or any online
bookseller.
