A
Peaceful Generation
Raising non-violent children.
by Jerry L. Wyckoff Ph.D. and Barbara C. Unell
PARENTGUIDE News March 2005
Today, more than ever, with so much focus on war, violence,
school metal detectors and terrorism, building children’s
capacity for empathy and compassion is essential in
what has become a battle to preserve humankind.
To help children develop their empathy when faced with
the stress of war news, TV violence and bullying in
school, monitor their TV viewing and discuss with them
what they are seeing. There is an established connection
between post-traumatic stress disorder and TV viewing,
especially when images, such as the destruction of the
World Trade Center and the bombing of Iraq, are being
watched. Therefore, parents need to limit their children’s
TV viewing as the best way to manage their children’s
TV-induced stress.
A recent study from The Journal of Developmental Psychology
found that watching TV violence has a long-lasting impact
on children. An increase in aggressive adult behavior,
including spousal abuse and criminal offenses was found,
regardless of how the adults behaved as children.
Because children process information visually, and visual
images have a much greater emotional impact than words,
children may be profoundly impacted by what they see.
Views of buildings exploding and people running in the
streets can frighten children because they don’t
know where it’s happening. For them, it could
be next door.
Children can develop fears that are out of proportion
with reality, so limiting what they see on TV is imperative,
and discussions of war and politics should be curtailed
while children are around. Bottom line: Don’t
let children of any age watch TV alone. Be prepared
to ask questions about what they’re seeing to
give you a better understanding of what their perceptions
are of the news stories. Children need to understand
that there are other options besides violence to resolve
issues, so this is a good opportunity to walk them through
more peaceful strategies.
Ultimately, teaching children empathy and compassion
for others is the best way to keep them from being overly
stressed by violence. They will see that non-violent
ways can win and help others learn to get along. This
avoids the sense of helplessness that often accompanies
witnessing acts of violence.
·Keep your own anxiety under control when around
your children. Seek professional help if you find that
you cannot cope alone.
·Keep your discussion about world events appropriate
for children’s different developmental levels.
For example, your teen may want to discuss biological
weapons, but your elementary-age child may only need
to know that the war is far away, and his family is
protected and safe.
·Spend time listening to your children and asking
questions, so you know their level of anxiety and concern,
and can help them cope.
Empathy is the ability to identify with and understand
another’s situation, feelings and motives. All
children are born with the capacity to have and use
empathy, although research indicates that this ability
varies from child to child as one grows, and that girls
have a greater capacity than boys to read emotions.
However, if empathy is to grow and flourish, parents
must nurture its development.
The most important factor in building and maintaining
empathy in children is respecting their individuality
by modeling empathy, and compassion— regardless
of how difficult a child’s behavior may be to
manage. Using shouting or spanking to manage children’s
behavior erodes their ability to be empathic. When we
react with anger, we teach them to act without considering
another person’s feelings— a consequence
we need to avoid.
Studies by JoAnn Robinson, Ph.D., of the University
of Colorado, support this truth. She reported that greater
maternal warmth is associated with increases in children’s
empathy during the second year of life, but children
whose mothers control them with anger showed decreases
in empathy. Without empathy, it’s nearly impossible
for children to avoid angry and violent reactions to
adversity and to take personal responsibility for their
actions. With empathy, children increase their ability
to become loving, caring adults who raise their children
with respect and compassion. And so empathy can go,
generation to generation.
Jerry L. Wyckoff, Ph.D. and Barbara C. Unell, authors
of Discipline Without Shouting or Spanking (Meadowbrook),
have spent the last 20 years creating books for parents,
teachers, childcare providers and grandparents to use
in managing children’s behavior.
