Tweens and Puberty
Nurturing children during their physical development.
by Carrie Fischbein, MSW
PARENTGUIDE News September 2005
Is your tween suddenly spending more time in the bathroom?
Does he or she seem especially self-conscious or sensitive?
Your child may be entering puberty, that stage of physical
development when the sexual organs begin to change.
This time is often as confusing for parents as it is
for kids. Nevertheless, while hormones may start to
control your child’s body, as a parent, you can
help shape the way
your child responds to those changes.
How? Start by trying to put yourself in your child’s
shoes. What if your girlfriends have graduated to bras,
but your body isn’t there yet? What if another
boy in gym class tells you that you smell? As an adult,
you know that puberty is a normal part of growing up.
Your child might not understand that.
Puberty is an important time to open the lines of communication
and decide when to have that vital “facts of life”
conversation with your child. Keep in mind that every
child is unique and matures at her or his own pace.
While some children may be ready to learn about reproduction
and sex at age 10, others may not be ready— physically
and emotionally— until a little later. (If you
have concerns about what constitutes “normal”
development, consult your pediatrician.)
(Age given is average for girls; average age for boys
is typically one year later.)
• Growth Spurt (age 9). Whether
your child looks lanky or husky, if you notice a change
in height or build, mention it. To break the ice, you
might say, “You’re almost as tall as I am.
Soon I’ll have you changing the light bulbs.”
Avoid comments that create more anxiety, like, “Wow,
I hope your new clothes still fit!”
• Mood Swings (age 9). During
puberty, both boys and girls produce estrogen and testosterone—
hormones that can cause mood swings. If your tween slams
the door in your face, understand that this may be hormonal.
Stay calm. You can talk about the inappropriate behavior
and remind your child to be respectful later.
• Hair on Pubic Area, Underarms, Face
(age 10). Hair that comes in during puberty
can be uncomfortable and draw unwanted attention. To
help your tween adjust, offer to take him or her shopping
for a razor or hair removal product. The timing depends
on your child’s development and your own judgment;
if you think your child is too young to begin shaving,
talk about when you’ll allow it. Make the experience
something to look forward to.
• Complexion and Body Odor (age 11).
Does the tween you think of as still having soft, baby-smooth
skin now have acne? You’re in a better position
to enforce good hygiene than your child’s peers,
who may not have all the facts. Providing deodorant
is important, as is encouraging daily face washing.
For moderate-to-severe acne, consider seeing a dermatologist
for treatment options.
For Girls
• Breasts (age 10). Girls will
notice firm, tender swellings that extend outward from
under the nipple by a couple of inches. When Grandma
or another well-meaning relative points out how much
your tween has grown, your daughter is likely to be
embarrassed. Take the focus off of her and she’ll
be more comfortable talking with you later.
• Body Shape (age 10).
Remember that labels like “apple” or “pear”
may not apply to your daughter any more than they do
to grown women. Whatever the shape of your child’s
body, she will most likely develop healthy, positive
feelings about what she looks like if you encourage
her to feel good about herself. As you notice her figure
changing, offer to help pick out or shop for clothes
that flatter her new shape.
• Menstruation (age 11). When girls begin
to menstruate, they sometimes have spotting, cramps,
tender breasts and diarrhea. While you may be tempted
to leave out a box of tampons or pads and flee the scene,
talk to your daughter about her experience. Peers, books
and Web sites can help her understand her body’s
changes, however, information about what other women
in the family have gone through and a hug from a parent
can be much more helpful. To ease into the conversation,
offer your daughter a “period package” containing
pads, tampons, sweets, a teen-formulated pain reliever,
journal, encouraging card and/or other things you know
will comfort her.
• Genitals and Bodily Secretions (age
11). Along with growth and tenderness in their
penis and testes, boys may experience an increased libido,
or sex drive, as well as erections and wet dreams. Even
if you remember joking about these things when you were
a tween, know that your son may not be ready to laugh
at his experience and instead may feel that what’s
happening to him is wrong or shameful. Attempts at humor
can alienate your child, so consider his likely reaction
before trying to lighten the mood.
• Voice Change (age 11). Boys’
voices drop an average of one octave during puberty.
The “cracking” you hear before your son’s
voice settles into its new range is due to hormone-induced
changes in his voicebox and larynx. Feeling self-conscious,
your son may avoid conversation or be more quiet than
usual. Rather than calling attention to this behavior
by insisting he join the family in singing “Happy
Birthday,” consider letting him sit the year out.
You can also help him by reminding siblings and other
relatives to be sensitive and not to tease him.
• Body Shape (age 11). As they go through
puberty, boys develop more muscle and their bones become
heavier as they grow. Your tween may take on a broader
frame, as well as a more prominent jaw and cheekbones.
Gently pointing these changes out and talking about
his feelings can help put him at ease.
Adolescence is a milestone that can provide the basis
for ongoing communication about all kinds of things,
including other sensitive topics. It’s also an
opportunity for you to become closer to your child by
being honest and straightforward. Make time to talk
about puberty one on one. Avoid interruptions such as
going for a hike or making a lunch date, playing basketball
or tossing a Frisbee. To help your child open up, remember
that you’re talking about something completely
natural. You may have mixed emotions about the process
that is advancing your son or daughter from childhood
to adulthood— and that’s okay. What’s
important, however, is that you show your tween that
you are there to help ease the way.
Carrie Fischbein, MSW, is the director of the 92nd
Street Y Teen Center, which offers educational and social
support to 1,000 middle and high school students. The
Teen Center has programs in the arts, community service
and other enrichment opportunities. Home base to kids
from all over New York City, the Teen Center enables
youngsters to take advantage of the 92nd Street Y’s
full range of programs. Ms. Fischbein has been developing
and directing programs for young people for ten years.
