Two Mothers; Two Fathers
Talking to your tween about same sex families.
by Dr. Orson Morrison, PSY.D.

PARENTGUIDE News May 2004


Talking to tweens about the recent media coverage and public debate on the issues of same-sex marriage and families can feel like a daunting task, particularly when these issues are still controversial in certain circles. Parents as well, may have unclear ideas about their stance on same-sex families, making it even harder to talk with their children. However, it’s inevitable that tweens and teens from all walks of life are being exposed to conflicting perspectives from many sources. Parents have the most important relationship in which to discuss these issues with children. Here are some practical tips for parents that will make talking to children about same-sex families easier, fun and more effective.

Parent self-awareness: Similar to other important parenting issues, it’s important for parents to take a look at their values and beliefs, and think about how their perspective might impact a discussion with tweens. For example, if a parent does not support same-sex marriage, it is important to not only focus on one perspective, but to also leave room for kids to have alternate views. Try to avoid shaming— critical responses to opposing points of view. Being open and accepting of a tween’s emerging individuality will have far reaching benefits beyond the topic of same-sex families. Remember that these discussions are important modeling opportunities for parents to teach children how to be more tolerant and respectful of individual and family differences.

Education: Parents should learn about gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender issues. Familiarize yourself with the terminology. Sexual health educational material and the Internet can be useful resources, giving parents tools
and a better level of understanding, which will make
“the talk” less anxiety-provoking for all involved.

Conversation Pieces: With the recent focus on same-sex marriages and families, there are numerous opportunities that might help facilitate a discussion. Use news reports, TV shows, movies, books and magazine articles as the stimuli for such conversations. Try to keep it fun and interactive as opposed to the typical lecture from Mom or Dad.

Art of Listening: Be careful to not monopolize the conversation. Listen to what your tweens are actually asking for. This will help parents be more attuned to the specific needs of their kids and then provide the relevant information or address specific misconceptions. Try to answer the questions that are most important to them. This will also help kids feel heard and understood, creating a sense of trust and security with parents so that they can address other important social issues at home.

Consider Where Tweens Are: Parents should take into consideration the individual needs of their children. For example, younger children might only need to understand the basics; such as “what gay means” or that there are many types of families, some with two moms or two dads who love each other like their own Mom and Dad. With younger children, avoiding too many details or age-inappropriate language is best. Older tweens and teens might have more complicated feelings about same-sex relationships given that they are more curious about their own sexualities.
Teach About Discrimination and Homophobia: Although younger tweens may not be at a level to use and understand the words “discrimination” and “homophobia,” they will be able to understand the concepts of being treated with fairness and equality. Parents should be open to talking about how discrimination affects same-sex families and help to empower kids to stand up for social justice in ways that feel comfortable to them.

Engage with School: Schools are very important places for social learning. Find out how schools address gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender issues as well as same-sex family issues. Ask if there have been discussions on these topics at school and find out what programs exist at school— for example, The Gay/Straight Alliance, a program, which helps to bridge the gap between gay and straight individuals and communities. If parents are not satisfied with what they learn, work with children and schools to find out how to better integrate these issues into the curriculum. Ensure that schools and community centers know about organizations such as COLAGE (Children of Lesbian and Gays Everywhere), and Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). Make sure schools have policies on bullying including homophobic bullying. Other ideas include, helping to organize a family diversity day at school, or creating an art-based family diversity mural. Such policies and
programs will help to create an environment of safety for all, especially those children with gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender families or those who are themselves gay or questioning.

Connect withCommunity: A lot can be done with children on a community level. Contact your local COLAGE or PFLAG chapters to find out about kid-friendly events involving same-sex families with children. Writing letters as a family to political representatives, and attending same-sex family events and celebrations will help children put thoughts and feelings into action.

Putting a Face to the Issue: Personalize and bring to life the issue of same-sex families. Watch documentaries or films that depict real life children and their same-sex families. This will help them better relate and empathize with other forms of family and help them to understand how same-sex families are similar and different to their own families.

Understand Your Role in Creating Change: Parents have one of the most important jobs in the world: raising the next generation. Children look to parents on how to understand, engage with and create change in the world. Parents need to understand that the topic of same-sex marriage and family rights are one of this generation’s most important social issues. Parents have a unique and honorable opportunity to raise kids who will continue to create peace and social justice in their homes, communities and the larger world.

Dr. Orson Morrison, Psy.D., is a psychotherapist working at the University of California, Berkeley’s Counseling Services. He also works in private practice in Berkeley. His research and clinical interests include gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender family systems. Orson currently services on the COLAGE (Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere) Board of Directors. He is an adult son of a gay father. Correspondence can be made via e-mail: orson.morrison@att.net.