The
Rat Race
Are you pushing your tween to
hard?
by Donna Corwin
PARENTGUIDE News March
2004
Competition is normal. Humans strive to win, to have it
all, be it all and do it all. But the price we pay for
pushing our children to compete can be a steep one, especially
when the price is a burned-out, over-programmed tween
who feels his main goal in life is to please you—
his parent. The “win-at-all-costs” attitude
in today’s society can actually be fostering overly
aggressive behavior. The nuances of healthy competition—
team play, fairness, personal best— are what children
need to compete in a positive way.
Tweens are especially vulnerable to competition. They
are influenced by strong peer pressure because tweens
so want to be accepted by the group. Therefore, the competition
to have the best body, cutest clothes, be the best athlete
and most popular is fierce. Many parents, in an effort
to compete alongside their tween, are willing to indulge
the “bad behavior” of unhealthy competition.
This poor role modeling is mirrored by impressionable
children. An example of this is Amy, whose mother, Joyce,
was determined to compete with Amy’s friends’
parents in the race for labels. Joyce bought 12-year-old
Amy a $300 Gucci watch, $150 “7” jeans, three
pairs of Nike tennis shoes and a Louis Viutton purse.
Her friend’s Mom then bought her daughter a $600
watch, two purses and two pairs of Chanel shoes. Needless
to say, the label wars could not be won. This competition
is an empty one because it teaches tweens misplaced values
and places emphasis on things, not people.
Competition spills over into many areas: social, academics,
beauty, and especially sports. Many Saturdays, I have
sat on the sidelines at my teenage daughter’s soccer
games and witnessed parents berating coaches, yelling
at other players, telling their children to push harder
and harder. A child’s emotional growth is based
on his ability to make choices and then learn from any
mistakes that arise from his choices. When a parent constantly
intercedes in this process, the child feels insecure,
uncertain of his actions. In sports, coaches, too, can
push a child too hard. The child’s self-esteem can
break down, and he can begin to question his ability.
A marginally talented child can pay a huge price when
he feels he is letting down his family, his coach and
his school.
There are two types of competition. Destructive competition
involves a person trying to eliminate his opponent and
destroy him. The goal of this type of competition is winning
at all costs. He sees himself not as a team member, but
as an individual. When parents push for their child to
be the “star,” they create bullies and egotistical
children. Conversely, constructive competition advocates
using the opponent to get inspired rather than seeing
him as the enemy. Constructive competition emphasizes
the child doing the best “he” is capable of
rather than destroying the other person. When constructive
competition comes into play, tweens are able to enjoy
benefits including:
•Experiencing peer approval.
•Identifying positively with a group or team.
•Achieving goals as part of a team.
•Sharing common experiences.
•Increasing self-confidence.
It is sometimes painful to recognize yourself as a “pusher”
because we all want our
children to be successful. But too much pushing can create
the opposite effect. You may be pushing too hard if:
•You find yourself talking incessantly and solely
about your child and his accomplishments.
•You schedule more than one or two outside activities
a week for your child and have little quiet time at home.
•You force your child to participate in activities
he has expressed dislike for and then chide him if he
doesn’t do well.
•You make comparisons between your child and others.
•You overindulge your child in order to compete
with others.
•You get angry if your child does not meet your
expectations.
The last one is probably most important. We often over-identify
with our children and expect them to be mini-me’s.
If a tween falls short of our expectations, we either
push harder or make a child feel he isn’t good enough.
Tweens especially need to be accepted for who they are,
because they are so emotionally vulnerable. Each child
has his strengths and weaknesses. Some children have a
unique learning style. Others are artistic, some are musical
or athletic or scientific. No human being is perfect—
but every one of us is perfectly wonderful in some way.
The job of a parent is to find what is different about
her child. What traits make your tween who he or she is?
Our society has raised such a high bar for children that
those who can’t meet these expectations never feel
good enough about themselves.
Some parents might say, “If you don’t have
high expectations for your child, then he won’t
try his best.” But this theory is untrue. Self-esteem
is established by helping your child create and support
“his” view of himself— not just your
view. With a strong internal structure, your child will
be able to withstand negative input from external sources
(peers, coaches, media, etc.) because the child believes
he is worthwhile.
Lastly, encourage your child through wins and losses.
Part of competition is accepting the outcome and acknowledging
that someone else may be superior. Parents should not
push a child in an area he is not prepared for and set
him up for failure. Our egotistical society believes you
can be anything you want, but in reality this is not true.
Some of us do have limitations. Be truthful and realistic.
Teach your child to prepare, to practice and persevere
and to set goals that are attainable. Be a good role model,
and practice what you preach by losing and winning with
grace and humility.
Competition will never stop. It is part of who we are.
The rules of competition are yours to teach. You have
the challenge to direct your child to enjoy the process,
not just the product; to stress personality over prettiness;
to be one of a team, not the only player.
Donna
Corwin is the author of seven bestselling parenting
books and hundreds of articles. Her newest book is Pushed
to the Edge, How to Stop the Child Competition Race
So Everyone Wins (Berkley Books). The book is available
in bookstores and on Amazon.com.
